How Can I Reduce My Stress as a Parent? A Virginia Child Psychologist on What Actually Helps Roanoke Valley Families

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By Dr. Cara Goodwin, PhD

When RoanokeFamily asked me what I hear most from parents across Virginia, from my own Charlottesville neighbors to families in the Roanoke Valley, the answer came easily. We are tired. Not just short-on-sleep tired, though that too, but carrying-everything tired.

I'm a licensed child psychologist with a PhD in child psychology from UNC Chapel Hill, graduate degrees from Vanderbilt and Cambridge, and an undergraduate degree in psychology and neuroscience from UVA. I've published 18 peer-reviewed studies. And I'm raising four kids, so I am very much in it with you. The research on parent stress is sobering, but it also points to real, doable ways to feel better. Here's what it says.

Why parenting feels so heavy right now

You aren't imagining it. In 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General issued the first-ever advisory on parent mental health, Parents Under Pressure, calling parental stress an urgent public health issue. Nearly half of parents surveyed said their stress is completely overwhelming most days, compared with about a quarter of adults without kids.

Research finds that parental stress, anxiety, and depression all rose significantly after the pandemic, and many families still haven't fully bounced back. Some parents describe lingering brain fog, that feeling of being out of it, mentally slow, or unable to concentrate or remember things. Studies show it's fairly common whether or not someone ever had COVID-19, likely because of the stress and disruption we all lived through.

Then there's the uncertainty. Things many of us once took for granted, like feeling safe at school, our health, and easy access to friends and hobbies, started to feel less solid. Firearms are now the leading cause of death for children in the United States, surpassing car accidents, which held that spot for about 60 years. Research shows that living with this kind of uncertainty raises stress and anxiety. Processing it takes a lot of mental energy, which can leave less for memory, focus, and even physical health.

So what can we actually do? Here are eight strategies the research supports.

1. Accept that you can't be a perfect parent

So much parent stress is guilt: worrying we've failed our kids, or that we're about to make the wrong call. But a perfect parent doesn't exist, and chasing that ideal can hurt both our mental health and our children's.

Research links intensive parenting and child-centrism, consistently putting your child's needs ahead of your own, with more stress and depression in parents. Perfectionism in parents can also make children more anxious and more likely to become perfectionists themselves.

A few ways to ease off: resist over-scheduling activities that stress you out, put your own needs first sometimes, and let go of the pressure to engage with your child every minute of the day. Independent play is good for kids. And honestly, all your children really need from you is love.

2. Get more comfortable with uncertainty

Uncertainty is a huge source of stress, especially for people who tend to see any unknown as a threat. Psychologists call this intolerance of uncertainty, and it's linked with anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress after a hard event.

The research on treating it suggests starting with acceptance. Nobody can be certain about everything. From there, try noticing that uncertainty can lead to good things too, like unexpected successes.

The most important step is to stop avoiding it. Practice stepping into situations where you don't know how things will go, without seeking reassurance, mentally running through every possible outcome, or distracting yourself. Try a new hobby you're not sure you'll like. Or simply turn your phone off for a few hours, since our phones are one of the most common ways we dodge uncertainty. The more you practice, the more you'll find it isn't as bad as you feared.

3. Practice mindfulness, even for a few minutes

I know. Telling an exhausted parent to try mindfulness can feel like one more item on the list. But it really only takes a few minutes, and the payoff is real.

Research finds mindfulness helps parents accept hard moments without overreacting, understand their own emotions and their child's, stay calmer in tough parenting situations, and treat themselves and their kids with more compassion. Mindfulness programs are also very effective at lowering parenting stress specifically. Many mindfulness apps offer free versions, which makes them an easy place to start.

3. Solve the problems you can

Research shows that teaching parents problem-solving skills lowers stress, improves children's behavior, and reduces parents' symptoms of depression. The process is simple enough to do on the back of a school pickup line receipt. Define the problem clearly. Write down every possible solution. Weigh each one. Pick the best and try it. Then check whether it worked, and adjust if it didn't.

Some problems can't be solved, and that's hard. For those, give yourself permission to think about them, admit they're difficult, and feel everything that comes up. People who engage with stressful thoughts rather than pushing them away actually show better well-being, and stress affects them less.

4. Find your village

Support from family, friends, and other parents is essential to parents' well-being. It can also help you cope with traumatic events and lower the risk of postpartum mood disorders.

Building that village can start small. Strike up a conversation with another parent at school drop-off, join a local parenting group, or pick up a hobby that comes with people attached, like a running club or tennis clinic. If you have little ones, library story times are a free, low-pressure place to meet parents in the same season, and RoanokeFamily's guide to Mommy and Me classes in the Roanoke Valley is a good place to look for more.

Once you've found your people, let them help. You may be surprised how often other parents are glad to.

5. Protect your sleep

Becoming a parent is linked with less sleep, and sleep deprivation is linked with more stress, trouble regulating emotions, and depression. A few habits make a real difference: go to bed and wake up at the same times every day, put screens away an hour before bed, keep caffeine to the morning and early afternoon, skip alcohol and nicotine, get regular exercise, and keep your bedroom quiet and calm.

If sleep stays elusive no matter what you try, mention it to your own doctor or your child's pediatrician at the next visit. If your family is still looking for one, RoanokeFamily's guide to finding a pediatrician in the Roanoke Valley walks through the options.

6. Reframe challenging behavior

Kids' behavior can be one of the biggest daily stressors. One shift helps more than you might expect: try to see misbehavior as a product of your child's developmental stage and the skills they haven't learned yet, rather than intentional acting out. Research finds parents who view behavior this way feel less stressed. The tantrum in the grocery aisle isn't a referendum on your parenting. It's a three-year-old being three.

It also helps to have a few go-to outings that don't demand perfect behavior. RoanokeFamily's guide to things to do with toddlers in Roanoke is full of spots built for little hands and short attention spans, plus part-time Mother's Day Out programs that give parents a few hours to breathe.

7. Reach out to a mental health professional

If stress is getting in the way of everyday life, disrupting your sleep or appetite, or straining your relationships, it's time to talk with a mental health professional, such as a psychologist, counselor, therapist, or social worker. Therapy, especially cognitive behavioral therapy, is very effective at reducing stress and anxiety, and a good therapist can teach you practical ways to manage stress and sit with hard emotions. Telehealth therapy over secure video can be a lifesaver for parents without child care or those living in more rural parts of the region.

If you're pregnant or a new parent and struggling, you can call or text the free National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-TLC-MAMA (1-833-852-6262), available 24/7 in English and Spanish. If you're in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

Quick answers for Roanoke Valley parents