How to Help Your Child Handle Bullying: A 4-Step Approach That Actually Works

Originally written by Michelle Holling-Brooks for Roanoke Family’s Growing Up in the Valley magazine, March 2023.
Updated June 2026.

Bullying is one of those parenting challenges that never quite goes away. Studies consistently show that roughly half of children in grades four through twelve report being bullied at least once in a given month and about a third report bullying others. Schools work hard on prevention through kindness and character-building programs, but no school program fully insulates a child from mean behavior. At some point, most kids will need to know what to do when another child is unkind.

I learned this firsthand with my own daughter, Savannah, when she was ten.

She came home from school with a stomachache. No fever. Shoulders slumped. Tears streaming. After a few quiet minutes together, some deep breaths, and no rushed questions, she told me what was really going on: kids at lunch had been calling her “the invisible child.” It had been happening for a while. 

My first instinct was to fix it. Call the mothers. Call the school. Move her lunch table. Do whatever it takes to make it stop, if I’m being honest. 

But I pulled myself back. What would that actually teach Savannah? If I solved it for her, she wouldn’t learn how to handle this type of situation herself, and this type of situation would come up again. The kids weren’t bad kids. It was their behavior that was the problem, and that was what I needed to help Savannah learn to navigate.

The Tool We Used: The Bucket-Filler Framework

We’d been using the bucket-filler system in our house since Savannah was about three. If you haven’t encountered it, the concept is simple and remarkably effective with children: everyone carries an invisible bucket that holds their love, confidence, pride, and happiness. You can fill someone’s bucket by being kind, or you can “dip” into their bucket by being cruel, which empties both buckets, not just theirs.

The full Bucket Fillers resource library, including books, activity sheets, and materials ranging from preschool through high school, is available at bucketfillers101.com.

The 4-Step Approach

When Savannah was ready to talk, we worked through these four steps. They work because they shift a child from feeling like a powerless victim into a problem-solver with real agency.

Step 1: Hold the space. Don’t fix it yet.

Before you do anything else, let your child talk and feel truly heard. Resist the urge to jump into solution mode. This is genuinely the hardest step for parents, but it’s the most important one. A child who feels seen and understood is far more ready to problem-solve than one who feels immediately redirected.

Step 2: Help them put a lid on their bucket.

Once they’ve had space to share, remind them that they get to choose whether to let someone dip into their bucket. That might look like:

• Telling the bully directly to stop
• Walking away from the situation
• Asking a grown-up for help

The goal is to give your child concrete, actionable responses rather than leaving them feeling stuck.

Step 3: Remind them it isn’t about them.

This is a reframe that helps enormously. When a child is being bullied, they often internalize it as something true about themselves. Help them understand: the bully is dipping because their own bucket is empty. They’re trying to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel worse. “Don’t let them dip in,” you can tell your child, “because then you both lose.”

Step 4: Ask what they need — and let them solve it.

This is where kids often surprise their parents. Ask: What do you think would change things and help you feel safe? Then help them brainstorm. Don’t hand them the answer. Children are remarkably resourceful and perceptive when we hold space and encourage them to think it through.

Savannah’s Good Plan 

Savannah decided she didn’t want me to ask to move her lunch table. She wanted to try telling the kids herself that what they were doing wasn’t okay. She also decided to reach out to other classmates who seemed to be on the edges of the group. Kids who might become real friends.

I was floored. I gave her teachers a heads-up and asked them to be aware without intervening first and to let Savannah try her approach. The result: she became more social, more engaged in class, more willing to share her ideas with peers. Her teachers noticed the change. A few weeks later, she told me lunch was going great. She called it her “good plan,” and she was proud of it.

When to Step In

The four-step approach is for navigating the social dynamics of ordinary mean behavior. It is not the right framework when bullying involves physical harm, serious threats, or targeted harassment. In those situations, adult intervention, especially from teachers, school counselors, or if necessary, administrators, is the right first step, not the last. 

Roanoke City Schools – Student Success & Support Services

Roanoke County Schools – Bullying Prevention

If you’re concerned about where your child’s situation falls on that spectrum, a school counselor is a good first call.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are the signs my child is being bullied at school? Watch for behavioral changes more than direct reports. Most kids don’t come home and announce they’re being bullied. Common signals include not wanting to go to school (especially on specific days or around specific times like lunch or recess), unexplained stomachaches or headaches on school mornings, coming home hungrier than usual (a sign they’re not eating lunch), withdrawal from friends or activities they used to enjoy, mood changes after being on their phone or device, and — like Savannah — vague physical complaints that don’t have an obvious cause. The key is a pattern, not a single bad day.

What should I say to my child when they tell me they’re being bullied? Start by listening without immediately jumping to solutions. “That sounds really hard. Tell me more” goes further than “Here’s what you should do.” Kids are more likely to keep talking when they feel heard rather than managed. Once they’ve shared the full picture, you can work through the problem together. The four-step approach above is a good framework for that conversation.

Should I contact the other child’s parents directly? Generally, no — at least not as a first step. Parent-to-parent contact about bullying tends to get defensive quickly and can make things harder for your child socially. A better first step is talking to a teacher or school counselor, who can observe what’s happening in context and intervene in ways that don’t embarrass your child or escalate the situation. If the school does not act and the behavior continues or escalates, then escalating to the principal, and potentially to parents, becomes more warranted. 

What’s the difference between bullying and normal conflict? Bullying involves a power imbalance and repetition. Two kids who argue, fall out, and make up are having normal conflict. One child who repeatedly targets another, especially a child who is less socially powerful, younger, or in some way more vulnerable, is bullying. Teasing that happens once is different from a pattern of exclusion or mockery that continues over weeks. The “invisible child” taunting Savannah experienced was bullying because it was ongoing, targeted, and designed to exclude.

What if my child is the one doing the bullying? This is harder for parents to hear, but it’s just as important. Children bully because their own bucket is empty. They’re struggling with something, whether that’s stress at home, their own social insecurity, or a need for status that they haven’t found a healthy way to meet. Instead of focusing only on punishment, stay curious. Ask what’s going on for them. The bucket-filler framework works here too: help them understand how their behavior affects others, and give them better ways to fill their own bucket. If the behavior is persistent, a school counselor or therapist can help.

At what age should I talk to my child about bullying? Earlier than most parents think. The bucket-filler framework was designed for children as young as three, and the concepts, being kind fills everyone up and being mean empties everyone, are genuinely accessible to preschoolers. You don’t need to frame it as “bullying prevention” at that age; just build the vocabulary and the values. By the time your child is in elementary school and navigating real social complexity, they’ll already have the language and the mental model to work with.

Resources

• Bucket Fillers 101: bucketfillers101.com — books and activity sheets for ages 3 through high school
• StopBullying.gov: national resource on prevention, warning signs, and how to get help
• Your child’s school counselor: the most underused resource in every school building

MICHELLE HOLLING-BROOKS was the founder and president of Unbridled Change, a Boones Mill-based nonprofit that provided equine-partnered mental health services for children and teens. This article has been updated from its original publication in Roanoke Valley Family Magazine.